Slice of Beef

Chewing on tough world events and spitting out news-rind

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“It’s beefin’ time.”

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Count Binface has been under pressure as leader of the Count Binface party; his unsuccessful campaign in Makerfield, Earth and his U-turn on price capping the Wigan Kebab to £2 has left many recyclons unhappy with this Earth-like shadiness. Critics say his importing of British democratic values like lofty promises followed by lofty-er promises and inaction is a threat to Sigma XI’s tradition of honest and transparent politicians. Critics point to a failure to deliver on his promise of “cutting your taxes and raising everyone else’s” as a particular headache for Binface’s credibility as a candidate for the upcoming Sigma XI general election next eon. Good news! The boffins at FIFA have heard your vocal support for hydration breaks, and have developed a new way to play out the rest of the World Cup with 1000% more water consumption and a 1200% reduction in the danger of having to watch a football match involving any level of actual intensity. The last few years have seen incredibly high rates of inflation that have been steadily seeping into every side of everyday life. Everyone gets higher grades these days? Inflation. Socks no longer fitting around your ankles? They haven’t lost their elasticity, they have simply inflated and are now too big for your feet. Spiders seeming bigger than normal? That’s inflation too. More hot air balloons in the sky than there used to be? Viewers of last night’s episode of Sesame Street raised concerns with Ofcom and the FCC as beloved muppet Elmo was seen being taught the alphabet by a current celebrity looking to improve their public image for the 157th time. This is a long fucking one, read it on the website link in bio 🥩 for legal reasons we have no idea who wrote this While celebrating the anniversary of victory against, what China calls, ‘the war of Japanese aggression’, Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping’s were caught discussing non-state matters. All the leaders of the Axis of Upheaval gathered for the 80th anniversary, and watched China display their military prowess. 1. Period pain: The concept of female suffering was not a thing until Reagan made it so. Rumour has it he created period pain after his second wife Nancy told him his hairline was “wack” over boiled chicken dinner one night. Lord Coe, president of World Athletics, has noted that athletes are “overwhelmingly supportive” of this initiative, an SRY test designed to check if old bones pose a threat to the integrity of women’s competition. When probed further, he did admit that this was based on results of a poll conducted on X, formerly Twitter, underneath which he had liked comments such as: "I just think its a bit suspicious that Lucy doesnt have any tits, so its off the utmost importance that we get this sorted to protect reel women 💪♀️🚻". The mentioned skeleton, Lucy, is of the species Australopithecus afarensis and is dated from around 3.2 million years ago.

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